Wednesday, 8 January 2020

A Letter to my 21 Year Old Self

So I stumbled across my old 'A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self' blog post the other day and it made me think about how much can change in a matter of years.

Dear 21 Year Old Shan,

You're only 23 now, but in the past two years so much has changed for you. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to spill the beans on your new life. You wouldn't believe it.

Let's get the big things out of the way. You're a published author. Yes, all of those snippets you would write at 4am, all while sobbing profusely, are now the words printed in your first book - read and loved by people across the GLOBE. Your one dream has actually come true and I am so happy for you. I am proud of you, in fact.

It doesn't end there... you even live in your own beautiful flat - situated in a village - everything you ever wanted. It's yours and you can't believe the universe gifted something so wonderful. A pinch yourself moment, always.

As mentioned above, I am so proud of you. You have overcome leaps and bounds in regards to self love, confidence and even that one scary problem you dealt with on your own for so long. Having to go to therapy because your body physically didn't work was something you suffered with for far too long - would you even believe me if I told you that you finally told your loved ones about the struggle? Let alone the fact that after 7 years you finally beat it. Everything is normal now and you are working exactly how you should be. 

You went through a bumpy road of addiction. Not the hardcore kind, but it was bad enough to cause your liver to start shutting down. I still don't know how you managed to quit such an exasperating routine of pills and damaging your body with alcohol or having zero respect for health. But you're on the mend now, not a pill in sight. 

You're still single... lol. But on your 22nd birthday you were in a relationship for the first time in four years - Although it certainly didn't work out, you never let it change the way you see yourself. Not permanently anyway. I allowed you to feel not good enough for a matter of moments before you put your big girl boots back on. It all happened for a reason and if you hadn't of gone through it you wouldn't be so tough today. 

You moved out before you got your own place - to a new town! This is something I never saw you having the guts to do, but you did it and you left it behind in style. It was fun to party every weekend and live that student life you missed out on but it soon grew boring when you realised just how much you loved your home town and being close to your family and true friends. Family and friends have always meant everything to you. Amelia is still standing strong as your best friend through everything (despite how much you bug her everyday with your dramatics!!) and I think she's your soul sister.

You have new friends too, some you truly believe were supposed to come into your life to turn it upside down in the best way. Getting a new perspective on the old poisonous ways you were living before really has changed you for the better. 

The anxiety and depression came back while you lived away from home - and it was entirely understandable. Living in a situation where you were broken down in to tiny pieces by those who were supposed to be your friends really did get to you in the end. But, here you are now.  You suprised me at how resilient you could be in such an exhausting situation. One you felt like you wouldn't escape from for quite some time. 

You're still crying over boys, though. God, sometimes I want to throttle you because you're a sappy, needy little bitch. Love is still on the back burner but you're okay with it because you have met people who will change your life forever - even if they are only in it for a short amount of time. You would be so shocked to know how much more confident you are with the male species. I know how difficult it was for you to even look one in the eye at one point. There are still hints of insecurity and the negative thoughts do arise from time to time, but now they pass through your mind with ease. You've definitely bagged some 10/10s (in my opinion) I'll give you that. But, you also went back to your ex a few it familarity and comfort. Thank god you've now put an end to that, and you will quickly realise that it was no longer comfortable, or familiar. 

You know exactly what you have to offer now and honestly, despite your constant clinginess and need for attention, you're a great package tied with a silk ribbon. Any man would be lucky to have you because you care, you go above and beyond and always make sure everyone around you is happy. You're funny, quick witted and kind. I have grown to love you more than I love others, and that was the biggest challenge I have ever had to deal with. We got there in the end.

It feels like you have everything. There are still gaps to fill, you're trying your hardest to cope with unrequited relationships and weight loss still but now your mindset and attitude is more positive you no longer see this as a struggle, but more of a challenge to conquer. I would even go as far as saying you enjoy the challenge.

Please don't ever stop being you - your independent, weird and mental self. Just continue to improve her. 

Just like in the previous letter, I just wanted to let you know that no matter how hard life may seem, everything works out in the end. You are more than enough, you're only getting better. 

What would you say to your 21 year old self? Honestly, I find this exercise so therapeutic and positive. It's nice to reflect on both the positives and the negatives from time to time! Look how far you have come and how far you will go. It's all relative.

You can read more on my experience as a 21 year old in my first book: 21 - A Year in the Life 

1 comment :

  1. So proud of you and your writing improves every time I read a new blog. You are amazing, beautiful, clever & deserve the world. I am such a proud Aunty and love you so much xx
    Keep being you Shan xxxx