Wednesday, 31 July 2019

The Toughest Yet Most Rewarding Year of my Life

The title of this blog is a powerful but very truthful statement to make.

In 2016, I gained two stone practically over night due to a liver condition that was shutting my body down. It didn't work anymore, and in turn, my brain stopped working too. Everything was quickly turning to shit and I had no idea what was going on. I've never felt so low before.

In 2017, I was miserable and alone. Lol. I isolated myself and spent most of my time alone - I hated the idea of anyone looking at me or giving me the time of day. I HATED who I was with a passion and that makes me really sad. I could barely give eye contact without feeling like the recipient was judging me.

In 2018, I thought I found 'love'. Who knew that I would've been better off remaining single for a 5th year instead. But, at the same time, regardless of what I went through, I am so much stronger for it. It taught me what I deserve and what I certainly do not. It helped me look after myself and stand up for myself when people treat me poorly. I also moved out of my family home, which at first was great but I soon felt completely alone and distant again just like the previous year.

This year, despite the past trying to haunt me, everything has changed. For better and for worse. But mostly better. I have my own place in my hometown, where only I pay the bills and I have the first and last say. There is no one telling me ' You wouldn't have this if it wasn't for me' or 'You need a boyfriend or a fiance or children to live happily.' It's mine and I have never felt more proud or independent. I never thought I would have any of the things I have now just a matter of years ago. 

I have transformed myself and have never felt so confident. I don't quite know what has come over me but I'm dressing how I have always wanted to dress, regardless of my weight or how I perceive myself in the mirror. Then again, those obstacles are no longer a struggle because I love who I am and how I look. Finally. Not even just physically, emotionally I am almost everything I wish to be. Kind, caring and sincere no matter how many people try to make me bitter.

I have met people who are now going to be in my life forever. Regardless of their title, I want them forever. It's incredible how much people can change you and help you grow despite the little amount of time they know you. I feel happy with where I am right now.

I finally realise it's okay to put myself first without worrying about what negative people will think. If they can't be happy for you or support you then they do not deserve your time or effort. I have let go of people I clung on to for YEARS, knowing that I should have cut ties so long ago. It feels great to know I only have people I want and who want me in my life.

While I haven't had to deal with similar struggles like previous years, this has been the year of growth for me. I took all of the bad and turned it into positive lessons. I still have bad days, but I deal with them much better now - I look for the good and for the opportunity to learn from it.

It doesn't have to be the be all and end all. Shit happens but it's how we deal with it that matters and what makes the means for change. The first half of this year does not have to ruin the second half. I am welcoming August with open arms. You should too. 

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