Monday, 8 April 2019

Why Wasn't I Enough?

I don't even care about what I lost any more. I am glad it's gone. Somehow, though, I still can't help but wonder... why wasn't I enough?

I asked him this question every single day in my mind when we were together and after it ended. A year down the line, when I no longer have a care in the world about what he is doing - or who he is doing for that matter - I still feel like I deserve an answer. I needed it for quite some time.

When in a relationship, I love to make the other person fall in love with themselves - them loving me is merely a bonus. Maybe I am 'too much' or that view is unhealthy for my self-esteem, but I believe the entire point of choosing to be with one person means making them feel worthy and good enough every day.

Compliment after compliment, mixed with continuous effort and daily reminders of gratitude left my lips, but he remained silent. I didn't have anything to be grateful for; he gave me nothing of value - yet, because I loved him, I still wanted him to feel like he was the greatest gift God could fucking offer. It's like I grasped on to every last reason as to why we were together and threw it in my own face. Only, it wasn't water... it was acid, and I was left blinded by his terrible behaviour.

We liked the same movies and laughed at similar jokes - I thought we were soulmates and no one else could ever compare. I always believed you should be with someone who is like you, because what could be better than sharing the things you love with the person you love, knowing they already adore it too?

Wrong. It doesn't matter. I was looking at the wrong aspects of this toxic relationship and believed that having things in common was the critical factor. We could've had identical traits, thoughts and feelings but that doesn't stop a shitty person from being shitty. It doesn't take away the poor treatment or lack of respect. Having the same taste in music or knowing about cool things that no one else knows of means shit all when you're left in the dark day after day.

I am better off now; I no longer feel drained by the emptiness of not feeling good enough because I know that the next person I am with is going to feel incredible every day, and they will show gratitude for my efforts. They will appreciate my little quirks and how weird I can be. They will love my inappropriate jokes and silly reactions to cartoons that most would never find funny. I will never be made to feel like I am stupid or less than I am worth ever again.

I sometimes can't help but look at his new relationship and again, wonder why I wasn't enough. I witness him take her away on holiday and out on 'date night' every weekend without fail. He actually spends time with her. In the space of three months, I saw him approximately 11 times. He lived twenty minutes down the road, but I felt like I was in a long distance nightmare. It's not like I wouldn't offer to see him. When I'm in a relationship I believe in equal effort, and seeing where they grow up and how they live day-to-day life in their town makes me feel like I know them even better. Everything, even the little things like that felt like a bonus to me.

All we ever did when we saw each other was sit around, aimlessly watching television that numbed my brain. Don't get me wrong; I am not expecting fireworks and constant spontaneity. Some times watching Netflix and eating a takeaway is all you need when you love someone. But I never once felt special, wanted or needed. In the end, I couldn't even bear his touch, let alone sit through an entire film of him asking stupid questions. (Petty or not, he is the biggest dumb ass I have ever met, I was far too smart for him.)But with his new girl, everything seems different. He wouldn't dare hurt her or make her question if she was doing something wrong. It seems as though she gets showered with love every day.

All I ever felt was guilt and worry. Guilt for not doing enough, worry for why I couldn't ever be adequately loved. I wish I could tell my past self that she never had to feel such pain - that she deserved better. She deserves someone that respects her, trusts her to make the right decisions and communicates with her - honestly and maturely no matter how angry either of us get.

She didn't deserve to be left on read for two weeks straight because she stood up for herself (fucking politely and far too sweet may I add.) She didn't deserve the lashing out or manipulation. She deserved to be told she's fine the way she is, that he was grateful she did so much for him without ever asking for anything in return. She would've loved him to remember the little things about her, like how much she loves ugly sunglasses or how she'd sell her soul to see Post Malone live again. She deserved to be encouraged to dress the way she wanted, and made to feel confident and beautiful enough to do so. Not shamed for wearing something deemed inappropriate. 

She deserved peace.

I deserved better. The answer to my initial question? I was always enough - he just didn't know how to deal with someone too good for him in the first place. He has found someone on his level - someone who will put up with his awful ways and be blinded like I was. I may be on my own now, but being alone doesn't mean I am lonely. I will never feel as lonely as I did in that relationship. All I ever was was a secret - I deserve to be known as someone's girlfriend, and that they are proud of and happy with that fact.

It wasn't all bad - sometimes I can't help but refer to the good times for comfort, even if it was minimal. He helped me overcome something that ruined my life beforehand, something I never thought I could fix. He helped me, but I did it on my own - I can't help but have sick gratitude. 

I may feel like I am scarred for now, but when I am ready and the right time comes, I can't wait to have an equally loving, trusting and loyal relationship with someone who has the same values and morals as me. Feeling like damaged goods doesn't even cross my mind anymore. The right one will accept me for me. And I will finally get the relationship that I worked so hard for.

I no longer wonder what his answers or excuses would be, because I don't need them to make me feel better. A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders just by getting out of a toxic situation I initially thought was good for me. I'm all good now. No more rose-tinted glasses, even if I once loved how ugly they are. 

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