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This picture is for ironic purposes... |
I will admit that I have lost myself.
You heard it right. Perhaps I have become self obsessed and sadly I allowed social media to take control of my life. I honestly feel nauseous writing that down for everyone to potentially see, because that was never me. I used social media to have a laugh - share memes, remember the good old days with friends and post the occasional selfie - but only ever in between the plenty of memorable photographs shared with friends and family.
If a stranger were to look at my Instagram feed for example, it is filled with meaningless posed selfies where, quite frankly, I look dead behind the eyes. It really is like there is no substance to me and that has always been my biggest fear. - to be seen as someone with nothing but self absorption to offer.
I will stand up for myself to an extent because, at first, after going from an insecure 22 year old girl who was continuously manipulated through silent treatment, (wondering why I was never good enough) who in all honestly HATED who she was, to a confident, blossoming self assured 23 year old woman - I thought I had finally found confidence and self love. But, did I go too far? I'm sad to believe that I am losing the real me.
5 Things About Me You Wouldn't Know From Looking at my Selfies:
1. I am kind - my friends tell me sometimes I am too nice for my own good. I will do my best to make others happy and feel good about themselves - this is where it began to get out of hand. I was receiving messages about how me feeling good about myself made others feel good about their self. That made me so incredibly happy and I wanted to post that sort of content to continue to do so.
2. I am goofy as f*ck. Honestly, I am a total loon and I love to be my best weird self just to make you laugh and feel like you can be weird too. I thought if I still posted a lot of my weird side on my story, the bland and boring selfies wouldn't seem so unbearably dull.
3. I love becoming obsessed with films and television. Social media isn't everything, but I used to post about my favourite TV shows and share them with my followers. I deleted those previous posts to make room for selfies - so my 'number' wasn't so embarrassingly high.
4. I don't care about what others think of me. Yet, now, I am posting a picture of my face desperately hoping for validation from people who I don't even know or, in the nicest way possible, even care about.
5. After years of feeling negative about my body, I have invested time in improving myself and becoming healthier. This has helped me dress how I want to dress. FINALLY. And with support and encouragement of new people in my life - I have really enjoyed experimenting with streetwear and just feeling awesome and joyous about fashion again. Something I honestly never believed could happen.
So while there are negatives about the way I have used social media recently, there are also plenty of positives. I originally intended to progress my confidence but now I have lost the reasoning behind it all. I am going to take a step back, (you heard me) I, Shannon Valentine, the most ANNOYING person on social media is stepping back and actually living life - without the proof of an Instagram picture - just in case it didn't happen without photographic evidence...
I can't wait to enjoy life without expectations or validation again - and only enjoy social media as a swift break from my busy, fun-filled life. I hope I didn't bore you as much as my selfies may have... I promise the real me is under here somewhere - the unedited, funny and kind person I like to believe I am and always have been.
Sorry I turned into everything I thought I hated.
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