Monday, 1 April 2019

Social Media and the Self Absorbed - Did I Go too Far?

This picture is for ironic purposes...

I will admit that I have lost myself.

Before we begin, I will make the point that this blog post is as entirely as selfish as its title. This blog is for me to get my recent feelings out and if you can relate then thank god, I haven't completely warped into self obsession.

You heard it right. Perhaps I have become self obsessed and sadly I allowed social media to take control of my life. I honestly feel nauseous writing that down for everyone to potentially see, because that was never me. I used social media to have a laugh - share memes, remember the good old days with friends and post the occasional selfie - but only ever in between the plenty of memorable photographs shared with friends and family.

If a stranger were to look at my Instagram feed for example, it is filled with meaningless posed selfies where, quite frankly, I look dead behind the eyes. It really is like there is no substance to me and that has always been my biggest fear. - to be seen as someone with nothing but self absorption to offer.

I will stand up for myself to an extent because, at first, after going from an insecure 22 year old girl who was continuously manipulated through silent treatment, (wondering why I was never good enough) who in all honestly HATED who she was, to a confident, blossoming self assured 23 year old woman - I thought I had finally found confidence and self love. But, did I go too far? I'm sad to believe that I am losing the real me.

5 Things About Me You Wouldn't Know From Looking at my Selfies:

1. I am kind - my friends tell me sometimes I am too nice for my own good. I will do my best to make others happy and feel good about themselves - this is where it began to get out of hand. I was receiving messages about how me feeling good about myself made others feel good about their self. That made me so incredibly happy and I wanted to post that sort of content to continue to do so.

2. I am goofy as f*ck. Honestly, I am a total loon and I love to be my best weird self just to make you laugh and feel like you can be weird too. I thought if I still posted a lot of my weird side on my story, the bland and boring selfies wouldn't seem so unbearably dull.

3. I love becoming obsessed with films and television. Social media isn't everything, but I used to post about my favourite TV shows and share them with my followers. I deleted those previous posts to make room for selfies - so my 'number' wasn't so embarrassingly high.

4. I don't care about what others think of me. Yet, now, I am posting a picture of my face desperately hoping for validation from people who I don't even know or, in the nicest way possible, even care about.

5. After years of feeling negative about my body, I have invested time in improving myself and becoming healthier. This has helped me dress how I want to dress. FINALLY. And with support and encouragement of new people in my life - I have really enjoyed experimenting with streetwear and just feeling joyous about fashion. Something I honestly never believed could happen.

So while there are negatives about the way I have used social media recently, there are also plenty of positives. I originally intended to progress my confidence but now I have lost the reasoning behind it all. I am going to take a step back, (you heard me) I, Shannon Valentine, the most ANNOYING person on social media is stepping back and actually living life - without the proof of an Instagram picture - just in case it didn't happen without photographic evidence...

I can't wait to enjoy life without expectations or validation again -  and only enjoy social media as a swift break from my busy, fun-filled life. I hope I didn't bore you as much as my selfies may have... I promise the real me is under here somewhere - the unedited, funny and kind person I like to believe I am and always have been.

Sorry I turned into everything I thought I hated.

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