Monday, 13 August 2018

Recovery... third time lucky?

As most of you would've realised I haven't blogged a lot the past few months.

In fact, I haven't written much at all. I couldn't find the words for the pain I was feeling. A lot has changed this year, and the beginning was perfect. I fell in love with someone, and I truly believed that was it for me. He was 'the one'. But some things just don't work out and it fucking sucks.

I suppose when someone comes in unexpectedly and is so kindhearted and loving that they make you fall in love with yourself as well as them, its bound to leave a lasting effect on you. 

A break up wasn't the only thing that I have struggled with. My depression, although quiet, isn't and never will be silent. I celebrated my year anniversary of not harming myself... by hurting myself. It may have been one little scratch, but it was enough to snap me back into reality - straight back into gratitude mode.

I am so blessed to live my life. I feel lucky that my heart and soul dedicate time to others to help and support them on their own journey. So many beautiful people tell me I inspire them every day but something inside of me refuses to believe it. Am I spouting out lies about recovery? Surely I can't be.

Recovery isn't easy. If it were, the world would be perfect, and that is far too boring for my liking. Struggles are only given to us to make us stronger. The universe wouldn't put this shit on our plate if it didn't know we were tough enough to eat it.

It's hard. It is so hard having a shoulder to cry on one day, to being alone the next. I never relied on anyone. I don't need ANYONE. But when the silver platter lifestyle of love is handed to you so delicately how do you then switch back to living like a pauper? I was so used to being alone, and I was perfectly okay that way.

Readjusting has proven more difficult than I could have ever imagined but I am strong and deserving of love. Everything happens for a reason, and we are on the right path no matter what. I don't want to lead a life of misery any longer when there is no reason for it. My blessings are beyond a gift now. My luck is a joyous rollercoaster which I intend to enjoy with every last bit of energy I have inside of me. 

It is okay to get knocked back a few steps, its what you do next that counts. I will rise above the sadness and heartbreak, just as I always have done in the past. Because I am worthy of that. I am worthy of happiness and love. I give, and I give until I have nothing left, and although that may not benefit me regarding receiving it back, I gain so much more from my own generosity, and I know that is enough for me. 

I gave myself the closure I desperately begged for. The people who wronged me will only ever be left with 'what if'. I will allow them to watch in awe at my appreciation of life, knowing there is and always will be something missing in their heart.

I am a good person, and my good thoughts will shine through my green eyes no matter what. It's not my problem whether you can look into them at ease without feeling pain or guilt. 

Every day gets easier, and I can't thank my support system enough. Whether you're a friend or a stranger your words of support and encouragement help me more than you could ever know.

I am so glad I have an outlet where I can be completely open and honest, regardless of judgement or negative opinions, I am happy with who I am and no one will ever change that. 


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