Tuesday, 5 June 2018

A Letter to The Right Person at The Wrong Time


I want you to know I hold ZERO hate in my heart for you. Please never feel like we left on bad terms, at least on my side. I only hold positivity, always. You know that I have a kind heart, I hope. 

There is so much I would like to say but we both know how much I tend to word vomit. Six paragraphs worth of texts later and we still remain stuck. 

We've had quite a rough time, haven't we? I mean it's not like we were completely toxic. Not at all. I believe we loved each other... that we still love each other. At least I do. 

You came into my life at a time where I truly believed I would be single forever, and I certainly wasn't unhappy about that outcome. I had been alone for four years, and I had finally realised that I enjoyed my own company. Love just didn't phase me. I wasn't bothered about talking to any guys or getting attention from them. I was good with my box sets and books to be quite honest.

And there you were. I'm not sure I believe in 'love at first sight' but you caught my eye. Our first conversation was so simple yet it felt like I had known you for years. You made me laugh and I found myself looking forward to the good morning text messages.

After a few weeks, fear took over. I had already started to develop feelings for you and that scared the absolute shit out of me. Like you, I was petrified of letting down my walls. Now I kind of wish I hadn't.

You told me you were gutted and that you really liked me. You spent months trying to get me to give you a chance and although you thought you were annoying me, I secretly adored the connection you kept reigniting. I didn't want to let you go but it simply wasn't the time for me to let myself go.

Until I saw you like a girls picture on Instagram that is. Waves of jealousy swam through my body and I realised just how much I wanted you. I couldn't stand the idea of someone else stealing your focus. I already knew it deep down but that was something that pushed me. 

We spent an incredible few months talking on the phone every day for SIX hours. How do two people have that much to talk about? I couldn't bear to hang up. We laughed every day and although we knew we had feelings, we never made things dramatic or serious. Everything was simple and I loved that about us. 

We hadn't even met yet you were all I could think about. I barely knew the sound of your voice yet it gave me butterflies everytime I heard it. But we lived 20 minutes apart and it felt like a lifetime away.

New years eve will always feel special to me now. Spending that night with you felt like fireworks. I began 2018 on the most positive note possible and not only were you my very first kiss of 2018, you were my first since the previous relationship that I actually enjoyed and wanted.

After that, you swept me off of my feet. We couldn't find anything wrong with each other which was great, but now I realise that was simply because we hadn't shown every side. Suddenly you got scared and you were no longer ready for anything serious, even though you had spent months trying to convince me we could do this.

My heart was broken but somehow I knew you would come back each time. We would have three great weeks only to get scared again. But again, I knew you would come back. This time you came back with a real offer. We were in love and we were no longer afraid to admit it. But despite the love we so deeply felt, I couldn't lie to myself. You still were not ready.

I find myself searching 'Right person, wrong time' quotes and although I have faith in fate, the quotes ''If he really loved you or wanted to be with you he would and ''Actions speak louder than words.'' screamed at me and I know I should start believing them.

A part of me knows you're not coming back but I somehow refuse to let it divulge. We spent so much time getting to know each other, falling in love even more and now it is all gone. 

I love you but I have to let go. After all, I was okay before you so what is stopping me from being okay without you? Fucking love, that's for sure.

It doesn't help that during the four years alone I accepted that I could live a life without marriage or children, let alone a damn relationship. But now I can't seem to picture a life without you.

I guess what will be will be. I can not chase the idea of us anymore. I know you won't read this. I understand that you are perfectly fine without me but you will forever leave a scar. My first adult relationship and it turned to shit so quickly without us barely giving it a chance. Time. 

I also know that maybe I do deserve better. You are wonderful. The warmest soul and the kindest heart I know, but you didn't have time for me. Work, friends and family came first and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You aren't ready and no matter how much love I give or effort I make, I can not change that heartbreaking reminder. You wanted to give attention to other girls and I didn't feel like, as you would say, 'the only girl you had eyes for' anymore. 

I wish you could understand that with each drop of attention you would give to them, a drop would drip from me. I was lonely. I didn't expect lovey dovey bullshit every minute and I realise I was in the wrong for that, but something... something you gave to others rather than me. I couldn't grasp why you would rather sacrifice everything between us for something so little and meaningless. I truly hope it was worth it for you. 

I don't regret everything that happened. Everything happens for a reason and I want to thank you for showing me that I could love again. That I was good enough and worthy to love. And even despite the huge issue I suffered from ( our little secret), you made me feel like I could be loved regardless. 

I want to keep a place in my heart for you but your silence speaks a thousand words. It is so crazy. Everything that happened in the space of ten months is now simply a memory. Photographs are the only evidence I have. I deleted your messages of 'I love you' and ' You make me happy' because reading them feels like being stabbed. The butterflies that once fluttered in my stomach are being brutally murdered. Dramatic yet true.

A part of me wishes I could read our very first conversations, just to laugh at how simple it was. No disagreements, no sadness. We had a tiny part of each other yet it made us so happy. 

I miss our phone calls about mindless crap, your blue eyes your contagious laugh and the way you looked at me. I know there is nothing more I can do than say I love you. I could continue to write an entire book about you (damn my writer path) but what good will that do? You have made it clear that the boy who always comes back to me is finally gone. 

You were my right person at the wrong time. 

1 comment :

  1. Oh Shannon, this was such a well written post that comes straight from the heart. Absolutely love how raw you are in this. There were quite a few things I could relate to that struck a chord with me. It's a really difficult thing when you meet someone and you think perhaps there could be a future there - it's like a little taste of what life could be like and then it's just pulled out from right under you. You are such a strong cookie, even stronger for writing this! I really hope it all gets better soon and you will meet someone who will never make you doubt yourself or your worth.
    Loving your blog at the moment, scrolling through and giving a read to every post. You're such a talented writer!
    Holly x | http://www.thechroniclesofholly.com/