Thursday, 10 August 2017

The Reality of 'Recovery'

Exhaustion, tension, and stress go hand in hand with mental health. But why do these feelings seem to become even more overwhelming when you're supposed to be in 'recovery'?

It's okay to feel fatigue from time to time, but when is enough, too much?

Exhaustion, tension, and stress go hand in hand with mental health. But why do these feelings seem to become even more overwhelming when you're supposed to be in 'recovery'?

As most of you would've realised, I haven't exactly been on top of my blogging game recently. I still love writing, more than ever. Nothing could ever make me happier than an evening in my PJs, writing my novel on my MacBook and watching a good movie or trashy TV show in the background. Nothing will ever compete with my perfect evening. I'm sure most of my readers will know that.

However, despite my recent realisation of 'recovery', I have become tired. I desire nothing more than my bed. Wasted weekends of naps and sadness have become my new way of living. But how could that be possible when I finally got my life back on track?

I started counselling, and suddenly everything was great. I'd even go as far as saying it was perfect, but of course, my OCD way of thinking wouldn't dare risk the repercussions of admitting real satisfaction. 

The truth is, my new role of 'Mental Health Advocate' has taken its toll. I want to get better, but who for? Me? I'm not so sure that's the reality. In all honesty, I have rushed recovery. Not necessarily because I wanted to feel better, but so I could provide those dedicated readers, who invested time in sharing their illness with me, who needed a success story, with hope.

I wanted and still, wish to be the person to give people hope. I want them to have faith in the universe, to know that they do deserve to lead a normal, happy life. How can I make everybody else better when I'm nowhere near 'recovery'?

You'll notice I can't bear to write 'recovery' without quotation marks. I just can't seem to trust that word. Perhaps no one ever truly experiences a full recovery. We have some great weeks, months and even years without a single bad thought but before you know it, the demons are back to bite you in the arse.

Two weeks of gratification will go by, and then I'll find myself back in that space. Lying alone in a dark room, with only my bed and poisoned mind for company. I am scared of letting myself feel cheerful, as the happier I allow myself to be, the worse the consequences. Or so my brain convinces me. Will I ever beat that? Will it ever just leave me to get on with my life?

I hope so. I still have hope in my heart. I just need motivation and courage to hold its hand. 

Sharing my thoughts again feels good. Counseling is going so well; I am heading in the right direction, whether that's the path to recovery or just simply living my life, I'll take what is given to me.

In regards to writer's block, I'm trying to convince myself that it is no longer plausible for me to use that as an excuse. How can such a big brain, full of thoughts and inspiration ever suffer from the one thing it adores? Writing is my therapy. It always has and always will be!

Slowly but surely I will get back into the swing of things, maybe even have my book published to bring in the new year. The limits are endless for me and for all of you who feel hopeless. Have a little faith.

My therapist told me I should use this blog to its full advantage. Not only to help you, my readers, but myself, too. She persuaded me to celebrate my achievements. I no longer need to belittle myself; I am doing well, I finally feel proud of myself. 

Maybe that is what real 'recovery' is, recognising the little things in life. Bursting into tears of relief because you finally put bed sheets on after weeks of sleeping on a bare mattress. Breathing in the crisp morning air because you finally woke up feeling fresh. Accepting your faults and figuring out how to improve them, only if you decide that's what you want. Everything is in your control. You have the power; no one can take that away from you. Even if your mind overflows with the venom of negative voices, they will never beat you. 

As always, thank you for your continuous support. Despite how difficult it seemed and how much time it took even to click 'New Post' I feel positive that I will get back to blogging as soon as possible! I am feeling better already. I forgot how easy it was to put pen to paper.



  1. Amazing thoughts and feelings once again written from the heart. You are an amazing young woman and I couldn't be more proud of you. One day I truely hope you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and realise you have battled the demons and are proud of everything you have achieved in life! Love you so much xx

  2. I love this, especially the bedsheets analogy. When you're depressed you just don't care. I think advocates need to take their own advice that they preach for themselves (that includes me). We tell everyone they're worth love, things will get better, etc, but we never tell that to ourselves and we suffer for that. We have to make sure we're looking after ourselves too and taking what we say to heart!

    - Shannon |