Monday, 22 May 2017

You Only Cry For Help When You Believe There Is Help To Cry For

You Only Cry For Help When You Believe There Is Help To Cry For

Yes, the wise words of Wentworth Miller once again. My hero and definitely now my BFF.

It's true.

I know I have been quiet in the blogging world recently, I needed time for myself and my bad thoughts. It has been a tough battle with my mind the past few weeks but I am back, and feeling better!

Although most of my thoughts are out there for the world to see, there are many others that occupy my mind, completely hidden and secret from everyone. 

Perhaps it is because I am now seen as a 'Mental Health Advocate'. People get in touch with me all the time, telling me I have helped them and saved them. As great as that is, I feel as though I must present myself as this strong, open survivor 24-7. 

Sadly, I am the opposite. Mental Illness is by no means a weakness, but it has become my weakness to hide behind. I still want everyone to believe I'm the confident, happy and content person I portray myself as but I am certainly not confident and I am not always in the best of moods. Some days, I want to hide away and never talk to anyone again. The scariest part is that I could let go, even the people I care about, so easily. I walk into a room and wonder who thinks I'm insane, or who has talked sh*t about me behind my back. 

''Everyone here has spent time in a room that didn't feel safe. Maybe that was way back when. Back when you were a kid. In the classroom. Or at home, in your bedroom, down the hall from your parents. Maybe that's today, right now, at the office.

That's how many of us live. Moving from room to room. Lookin' around. Trying to figure out if it's safe or not.

And it's exhausting. Isn't it. Some part of you. Constantly vigilant. Alert to danger. Possible threat. "Who's here? What did they mean by that? What's the subtext? Can I let my guard down? Even for a second?" - Wentworth Miller

My happiness is nothing more than practising the 'Law of Attraction'. Pretending to feel happiness until, finally, you just might feel it for real. I'm so sorry to disappoint, but I have a long way to go before I can class myself as in 'recovery'. Despite the belief of those around me, I have not beaten depression.  

Don't get me wrong, Some days are amazing. I could be on a train at sunset, listening to my favourite song and I'll realise that life really is this wonderful experience. Other times, however, I will remain in bed for days, crying and crying about nothing in particular. It just happens.

Slowly, but surely, I am coming to the realisation that life is what you make it. (Hannah Montana, I got you, girl.) It really is! Happiness can only come from you and your heart. 

You want something good to happen? Make it happen. Appreciate the little things you already have. The feeling of climbing into fresh bedsheets. A warm bath on a winter evening. Waking up and realising it's Saturday. The little things can change your life. Stop waiting for big, adventurous life events to happen if you're not doing everything in your power to make them a reality. 

The Law of Attraction has taught me many life lessons, ones I will carry with me forever. 

Be nice, just to be nice!

The main objective I have learned from LOA, I tweaked slightly. It mentions the benefits you can reap from being nice to people. Yes, it's true, you'll feel great when you're nicer to people. But why should you do it for yourself? The true reward is being nice, just to be nice. Tell someone to have a good day, not because you want to make yourself feel better, but to truly want to make someone else feel that way. 

Selflessness is the most rewarding feeling there is. Help someone, to help them, rather than the benefit of your own karma.

Be grateful for what you have already

Will I ever be thin again? I don't have a lot of friends, am I hated? I hate not having enough money to buy extravagant things. Why can't I look like her?

I am lucky enough to have the choice whether I put on weight or lose it because I can afford delicious food to enjoy with my family and friends. I have great friends, perhaps a few more would be great, but the ones I have are always there for me. Not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. I'm loved by the people I want to be loved by. I have lots of extravagant things, not necessarily everything I could ever dream of but I am so lucky to own such great possessions. I don't need to look like her, I look like me and what could be more fascinating, magical and unique than that? 

If you haven't got anything nice to say, why say it?

Would you like someone you barely know to make comments on your outfit choice? Or your new hairstyle? Probably not, I'm sure. I certainly wouldn't want someone I know well to comment on my weight gain, let alone a stranger. So why do you believe you have the right to do so? It's harmless, I get it. I am guilty of saying 'God, that is not a good look.' as I pass strangers in the street. But what am I getting out of that? Does it make me feel better about myself? Nope. I still feel sh*t. 

Stop wasting energy on negativity, even if it does benefit you. (Not sure how that is beneficial.) You couldn't possibly imagine how much a positive mindset can change the outcome of your day.

I am the last person to tell you to 'Be positive' when you're suffering from a mental illness, though. Although I am preaching it right now, I wouldn't be caught dead promoting positivity on a bad day. In fact, you probably won't get any word from me at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is, life can be great. Even if it feels as though you're alone and sad, there is someone willing to listen. I am that person. If I can make even one person's day better, then it's a day well spent. We are in this together. 

Appreciate everything you already have and even better things will come your way, even when you are at your lowest. Have faith. 

''Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.'' - Wentworth Miller (obviously)

Thanks for your patience reading the most random blog I have ever written! Have courage and be kind. Please. As always, I am here for anyone who might need it. Even if it is just someone to listen.

P.S I had the best time ever meeting my hero, Wentworth Miller (if you couldn't already tell!) He really is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He was everything I imagined and more! Happy Shan.


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