Tuesday, 4 April 2017

A Day of Bad Thoughts

Trigger Warning: This blog post contains expression of Suicide Ideation & Self-Hatred 

I'm told that happiness doesn't require a particular dress size.

If so, can you explain why I am so obsessed with my weight and the way I look?

I'm told I'm stupid for thinking the way I think. People I know say I look slim and pretty, but I've seen the way they look at me. Perhaps its all in my mind, the way their eyes stare in disgust. I don't know. But it's there.

I have friends who will always scrutinise their weight, the ones who are a few stones lighter than me.

If the thin ones think they're big - then I must be not worthy. 

At least that's the way I feel. I'm not telling you that if you're 'bigger' than me that you're disgusting. You're not. The truth is, I only have eyes for myself. I can look at someone double the size of me and think they're beautiful. I believe you're all beautiful. But I am not. 

This is by no means an attention seeking post - I don't want people to say I look good because I don't, I don't need to be lied to. I am not supposed to be three stone overweight, and it seems as if no matter what I do, whether it's exercising five days a week and eating healthily, It never shifts.

How is weight so easily gained yet so difficult to lose? Everyone says, just do this, or just do that, but nothing works for me. I'm supposed to hate myself for the rest of my life, and it honestly makes me think 'Why bother living?' 

I hate myself for the way I look, and I hate myself even more for considering it an issue that affects my entire life considering the trauma and evil other people have to deal with. I'm sorry. I'm selfish. 

Selfish, overweight and not worthy of love.

I know exactly where all of this has come from. 

I weighed myself this morning. I'm still the weight I've been for the past 12 months. 

I feel like everyone around me is in love with their life, losing weight and talking about their significant achievements. Don't stop on my account, of course, but hell does it make me feel even worse about myself.

There I go again with the selfish thoughts. I should feel happy for the people around me, but I don't. All I can think about is myself and my failures. 

No one will ever love me for me. 

I can have this great personality everyone comments on so kindly, but nothing will shadow the way I look.

Why am I programmed this way? To think so negatively about shallow crap that I shouldn't care about at all. Everything would be just fine without me. There would be an extra room at my home, my family will have more space. My friends would no longer have to get frustrated at my anxiety and the way my mind works. No one would have to deal with my annoying presence on social media or real life anymore. Perfect.

Don't get me wrong, some days are good. I'll sing from the rooftops about body positivity, but then I remember that I'm the fattest in the room. The least good looking person in the club. No one wants me there. I'm a burden. I'm annoying everyone with my miserable attitude and draining voice. NO ONE WANTS ME HERE. They're all out to get me one way or another.

^ That, my friends is what happens when I have a bad day. It will last a week or so. I'll have four great weeks of feeling good, then I'll weigh myself again, or I'll look at my myself in the mirror, or perhaps I won't have to do anything at all. It's not healthy, but this is me. This is the way I think from time to time. I'm sorry if I have offended or hurt anyone with this blog post, but the truth hurts.

I'm still trying. I don't want to give up. I have a great life. Everything is good, but sometimes that can be the worst part.

Guilt. Self Hatred. 

I do feel guilty for feeling this way. There are people out there with awful lives, and they still manage to put a smile on their face.

I'm sorry.

Sorry sorry sorry.

I wrote this blog post during an incredibly low point in my life not so long ago. While I'm okay for now, I know that these thoughts are just around the corner, back to bite me in the arse. I wasn't going to post this, and I battled with myself, then I realised that there are so many people out there who need to read something as real as this. They need to know that others feel that way too. I hope it helps someone who is feeling alone. You are NOT alone.

Please, if anyone needs any advice or just someone to listen. - please, please please email, tweet or talk to me. I will listen to you.





1 comment :

  1. I know you won't listen or accept what I say but you my Niece are beautiful from the inside & out!!! I think it runs in our family about the issues with weight and anxiety , but then comfort eating because we are depressed about weight but you know what life is for living, we only get one life so we all need to support each other, keep up with the positive thoughts and enjoy what time we have left here. Love you so much now & forever xx keep talking aloud and one day you will feel better x