Tuesday, 15 November 2016

OCD - It's more than washing your hands.

'' I never realised you had OCD, I thought it was something that clean freaks had.''   If I had a pound for every time someone said that to me, well, I wouldn't be currently sat here writing this, I'd be on route to New York in my private jet...

'' I never realised you had OCD, I thought it was something that clean freaks had.''

It's not your fault you don't know what OCD is, it means you're lucky enough not to suffer from it. With shows like Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners, it's difficult to determine what OCD is truly about when you're watching something so full of stigma and false reality.

OCD is more than keeping your room tidy; it's the sheer panic and stress you feel after spending the day obsessing over the minimal clutter in your room, to the point where you can't think of anything else until everything is out of sight. Even if it is 4 in the morning.

It's far more than washing your hands every hour because you hate germs, it's washing your hands every hour because you're petrified that if you don't, you might become ill. OCD is not switching the light switch on and off a few times, it's switching the light switch on and off a thousand times because if you don't carry out your compulsions... something terrible is going to happen.

When I was first diagnosed with Anxiety, I knew it was so much more than worry. I was constantly thinking. Not your average amount. Thinking thinking thinking until I honestly thought my brain was going to explode. I was physically feeling the stress, to the point where I was throwing up every day because my mind and body couldn't handle it any longer.

Unfortunately, some, whether they are clueless or simply ignorant, do not realise that OCD is so much more than cleanliness. It's the reason behind these compulsions that truly form Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I am bored of people throwing the term OCD around as an obsession for tidying. But I won't blame them, there is so much out there about OCD that can easily misinform the unaware. For some, yes, their OCD makes them want to clean or tidy. I get that. I have it too. But the reasons behind the obsessive cleaning is so much more than that.

You shouldn't say ''Everyone is a little bi-polar from time to time'' so why is ''I love cleaning, I am so OCD'' okay?

My routine suffocates me because deep down I'm scared that if I don't carry out a thought in my mind, it's going to negatively affect me. I will constantly pick at the skin around my nails because I can't stand to see anything uneven, and If my hair doesn't feel or look the same length all round, I will cut chunks out of it until it does. 

I have to plan my day, every day. Ask my friends, if an occasion is coming up in a months time, I will obsess over the finer details excessively until the event is over. Not your normal 'organisation' - I will feel stressed because if I don't know where we are going and at what time, what will happen to me? Is this a sign from the universe that I shouldn't go incase I get in to trouble? Perhaps I'll stay home alone instead.

It's exhausting and I know I am coming across as unbearably annoying. But, what am I supposed to do? I am quickly getting better. 

It's an impulse, a compulsion, and an addiction.

If I think of something before I go to bed, perhaps something as stupid as I forgot to make lunch for the next day, I will have a sleepless night until I am defeated, and then...

I will find myself cooking that damn at 3 am.

I'm doing this for those that are afraid. Who are in too deep and can't seem to find their way out. I am not weak because I like things in order. I am not mad because I like to plan everything to the final detail. That's what I do. But it will not define me, and it is not who I am as a person. I am not a clean freak or the girl with OCD. I'm just Shan. She is a little annoying but I don't mind her so much anymore. 



  1. I think one of the most annoying things is that now 'Zoella' has anxiety, all these younger girls who look up to her just decide to make out that they have anxiety too and that is just not right.
    Aleeha xXx

    1. Totally agree! It's great she has spoken out but there are a lot of influenced young fans who lose the term 'anxiety' very loosely!! Xxxx

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  3. I think mental illnesses are too commonly dismissed because of their over use now. It seems that everywhere you go someone is using a mental illness as an adjective.
    When I told people I have bipolar, so many people said to me "Oh we're all a little bipolar sometimes". What?!
    It's ridiculous.
    I am so glad you've written this post. It's so important that we talk about our mental health!