Thursday, 15 September 2016

Trying to Live Life Again...

Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.

Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.


Sharing my thoughts and feelings online is scary. The way I present myself could be taken in a way that could completely damage my 'reputation'. But this blog has become my diary and if I don't write what's going on I feel as if I'm living a lie.


Most of you won't even get past the first paragraph of this post, and that's more than okay. It means you're okay and that your life is in the right place. That's good, great in fact. But my voice needs to be heard by those who need reassurance in theirs.


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.


The anxiety started young


I've always been a worrier, even over the smallest of things. It was always a trait of mine ever since I was little, nothing out of the ordinary. 

The depression, however, really became apparent when I became an 'adult.' I was 18 years old when I walked into the doctor's surgery and burst into tears. After a year or so of living my life in bed, I had finally realised I needed help.


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.

I don't want to upset the people that love me, but at this point, I truly thought I was going to take my life. The countless amount of times I thought about it, how I was going to do it and what would happen if I went through with it. Death no longer scared me. I didn't want to live anymore, and it breaks my heart to think that was me and my thoughts not so long ago.

I knew things had changed when I would no longer speak let alone laugh; I'd struggle with a smile and my facial expression didn't change from 'miserable bitch.' 

I've always been the crazy girl, always laughing my horrifically loud laugh and making others laugh with me! If I'm around, I guarantee you'd be laughing. Not always with me, sometimes at me, because I'm so peculiar. I've been called limited edition a lot in my life, and that is something I have always loved about myself.


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.



I accept my weirdness because it's me. That's who I am and always have been. I'll never be embarrassed by that. 


I'm not so sure where I'm going with this post; I guess it's one of those I've used to help myself feel better. For the past few days, I have been feeling low again, with no reason as to why.

That's the worst kind of sad; When you have no reason to be. I'll anger myself for being so ungrateful and usually hide away from everyone around me. I don't want them to know I'm not normal and have horrible thoughts. I want to be seen as the fun girl, always.

The past year I have learnt that you need to stop hiding away. If you pretend you're okay, then no one can help you, when help is what you need the most.

Friends and family can only try their best; you have to cut them some slack when it's something they haven't experienced themselves. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are there even in the darkest of times if I let them in. 


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.


Living life again 

You won't understand the struggle of medication unless you take it yourself. At one point I thought to take a tablet was my only hope, the last resort before I ended up taking too many. 

It's not always the answer. You think the tablets help, but it's all in your mind. They don't make you feel better; they just numb the pain for a little while. Leaving you feeling empty, which in my opinion, is worse than feeling shit from time to time.

I've come off of the tablets now, and I won't lie, it's frigging hard. I've spent the last week hating myself. Thinking I'm fat, ugly, unwanted, unloved, the list is endless. I won't stop until I've run out of negative things to say. 


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.


Stop hurting yourself


Seems familiar? The negativity won't help you. You believe you're doing yourself a favour but would you ever dare insult your friends or someone you love that way? Would you say your friend looks ugly or fat? Never. So why are you saying it to yourself?

Picture your younger self. You're ten years old. Now look at yourself now, what would you say to that innocent child? Would you tell them how much you hate them, how disgusting and unlovable they are? No. You would hug them and tell them everything was going to be okay. Think about the amount of love you'd give that child and remember that child was you. Stop giving yourself a hard time and remember who you are.

I'm Shannon, a girl loved by many for my crazy antics and sometimes just plain weird outbursts. My friends tell me I am one of a kind. I am one of a kind. I'm funny and often make others laugh just by laughing myself. The girl in this picture is me. There is so much love and acceptance around me. I am loved, by others and myself and so are you. 


Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.



xoxo









3 comments :

  1. I LOVE this post, Shannon! You are SO brave to put this out there. I don't think I'll ever be as strong as you to put out how I'm feeling. Feelings that a lot of the time I think other people wouldn't understand. It's so hard to work through those things on your own. I have pretty bad anxiety and suffer with depression from time to time. I could never fully just let out how I feel. Which is the worst because sometimes I didn't know why I felt the way I did. Anyways, I totally applaud you for this post. It's vulnerable and raw and I just want you to know you're not alone. There are others that feel the same way. Hopefully it can be a support for others feeling the same. Thanks so much for sharing, beautiful. x

    Jay
    blissfulbeautybird.com

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    1. Oh Jay! thank you so so so much! Honestly your feedback means everything to me, it truly helps to understand that i'm not alone and there are others out there that need help too. Thanks so much for telling your story <3 i am always here if you ever need someone to listen xxx

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  2. Shannon, this is one of the most honest, raw posts I've ever read and I'm so so glad you decided to share. Although I've never met you, I see you on twitter & Instagram & just KNOW you'd be so much fun to be around. The fact that you can open up and share your feelings in a blog post is incredible, as it shows strength in admitting to yourself what needs working on, admitting what you've been feeling, and you've come up with solutions so so well. Also, someone else could be reading this and this could be helping them more than you could ever imagine. Although I've never met you, I still kinda feel like I know you a little and am so genuinely proud of you. If you ever ever need an ear or a shoulder, I'm just a dm away. You're doing an incredible job, and I'm so glad you accept yourself, because you seem like an amazing person & tbh you honestly remind me of myself (I hope that doesn't come across as vain lol). As for being peculiar and that little bit wierd, that really did remind me of myself too, and I think people that have that bit of wierd in them are people that should be cherished as they're strong enough not to hide that wierd away. Thank you so much for writing this post. Lots of love xxxx

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