Tuesday, 14 June 2016

The Truth About Mental Health - Living With Anxiety, Depression & OCD.

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The Truth About Mental Health - Living With Anxiety, Depression & OCD.

This post isn't like my usual fluff. There are no sparkles, glitter or unicorns mentioned. It's not brutal, but it's the truth. 


I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer. 


Not so long ago, my doctor said these words to me:


 ' You don't look depressed...'



I am tired of anxiety and depression being glamorised. They do not make you mysterious and cool like Effy from skins. They are the most tiring and damaging mental illnesses I've ever had to deal with, and I have struggled with a fair few obstacles. 



This post isn't like my usual fluff. There are no sparkles, glitter or unicorns mentioned. It's not brutal, but it's the truth.   I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.


It is a demon that controls you, emotionally and physically. A creature that you can feel dragging you down when you're trying so hard to be normal. A monster that forces you to sleep for 16 hours because you're too tired to face the world and pretend you're fine. Yes, some days can be okay. You will get those particular ones where you feel inspired and great again, the days where you finally believe everything is going to change and get better. 


On those days I would wake up and sort the mess I had gathered in my room after weeks of laziness, I would wash my hair and feel clean and healthy again... I would even get my nail polish out and decide I am going to look after myself. But sooner rather than later, it would wear off. 

This post isn't like my usual fluff. There are no sparkles, glitter or unicorns mentioned. It's not brutal, but it's the truth.   I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.


The happiness would turn to exhaustion again, and I would find myself sitting there for over an hour staring at the wall, telling myself to paint my nails so I could feel good again. As silly as the circumstance may seem, it was one of the everyday issues I faced. I would go to work not wearing a drop of makeup and my hair would be placed in the same ponytail it had been in for three days. 


Don't get me wrong; I know these aren't exactly 'symptoms' of depression but trust me, they are an effect of it. People would notice something was wrong because I always presented myself well, never once would I leave my house without a touch of makeup or hairspray. It wasn't necessary; I just had pride in looking good. Depression can be so physical that sometimes I would feel vile, I couldn't get out of bed because I was nauseous, drained and out of it. I knew it wasn't because I was ill, I felt empty inside, like my gut was a bottomless pit of despair. 


Dramatic? Maybe, but that's what depression is right? Dramatic... that is what people would say to me when I felt low. ' Don't be so dramatic; you have a great life and loads of people that love you!' Thank you for your great advice, I'm going to drop the pills and feel totally normal again, you're a miracle worker.



This post isn't like my usual fluff. There are no sparkles, glitter or unicorns mentioned. It's not brutal, but it's the truth.   I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.


I know I have an entire family filled with love and acceptance for me, I have a warm home filled with good food, clothes and expensive things that some people would dream of owning. That doesn't mean you are immune to a mental illness. There have been many times where I have felt totally selfish about my feelings and so guilty that I would shout at myself, telling myself I am stupid and I don't deserve such a great life because I don't appreciate it. 


I still believe that now sometimes, there are people out there on the streets that wouldn't have a clue if you asked them when their birthday was because they've never celebrated it... or what an iPhone or iPad was because they have never got the chance to catch the apple advert on their non-existent television. 


I recognise these issues and witness these people still being positive and optimistic... so why can't I be like that? Depression can not be helped, just like anxiety. I'm tired of these illnesses being glamourized on social media and in the media industry. They are not fun, mysterious or cool. It's a toxic poison that was slowly killing me.


 A lot of people say they have these issues despite never going to the doctor. You don't have OCD because you keep your room tidy, I know I have OCD because if I have a thought in my mind, even the simplest of things like what I'm going to eat for dinner today, that thought will take over my mind. To the point where I can't do anything until I have discussed or planned the solution to my issue.


 I won't sleep for hours if I don't do my nightly routine or having two baths a day. Anxiety is not just when you're worried about a test. My anxiety causes me to not leave the house for days in fear of something bad happening, It can cause me to misinterpret one of my peers jokes and I will then convince myself they hate me, that everyone hates me, it doesn't stop until I am defeated. 


How scary is that? That I can't even control my mind. My body can feel things that aren't there; I could throw up every day for three weeks because I 'feel' sick despite the feeling being caused by my anxiety.



This post isn't like my usual fluff. There are no sparkles, glitter or unicorns mentioned. It's not brutal, but it's the truth.   I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.


 People will tell me it's all in my head but trust me, I know it is, but that doesn't mean I can fix it. It controls me. The important thing is, I am going to get better. No matter how long it takes, I want to be alive. I want to feel amazing feelings rather than emptiness. I can do it. I will do it, and so will you.


Thank you to my supportive family, and my patient friends who have stuck by me through even the darkest of times. I am better because of you.


Sending love and positivity to those who need it the most.You can be strong without keeping quiet!


xoxo

I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.


I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.

I have never been one to keep quiet about mental health, whether I seem like I'm looking for attention or not, I will not hide behind it any longer.




2 comments :

  1. <3 well done for facing it head on girly <3
    we all have different ways of dealing with mental issues, it's just finding the way or method that works best for your individual needs and sticking to it with all your might. lots of love xXx

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  2. Beautiful post Hun, I thought you have got your point across very well! I love the part about the waking up one morning and feeling like you're cured, painting your nails to make yourself feel pretty...only to wake up the next morning looking at your badly painted nails hating yourself and wondering why you bothered! I'm so sick of it being a blogger requirement now days to have a mental illness, yes I know a lot of bloggers do genuinely have it but it's such a shame that some put on this act because they think it makes them look 'cute' or makes them more relatable....

    Clo || https://xvousetesbellex.blogspot.co.uk

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